The comment section has been disabled in my Journal. If you would like to contact me, please do so by emailing me at lim761@gmail.com.
Disclaimer: This is my personal story, told from my heart and memory. Names, locations, and specific details have been altered to protect privacy. This is my perspective, not a statement of fact about anyone else. Please read my full disclaimer.
The patterns don't lie... Trust them.
I want to be clear that while I am not perfect, I have always done everything possible for my family. I have worked hard and consistently did whatever was needed and more.
Most importantly, I have always been honest. I remained faithful to my spouse and gave him everything I possibly could. I am writing this because I did not deserve the treatment I received. I believed I was loved, but I realize now that I was only seen as someone “to fix.”
If sharing my story on my website is able to help even one woman, then I have achieved my goal.
I am writing to share the reality of my experience with my former partner, which stood in stark contrast to his public persona. While he is widely regarded as charismatic, gifted, and generous, the private version of our relationship was defined by a different and much harsher reality.
Behind closed doors, the playful charm he showed the world was replaced by verbal cruelty. He frequently addressed me with demeaning titles such as “Complete Zero,” “Fcking Idiot,” and “Fcking Moron,” often mocking my intelligence. This behavior continued until the end of our relationship; one of his final messages to me was the derogatory remark, “What the f*ck… you act like you just got off the boat from China.”
Furthermore, while he publicly praised me to others, he worked privately to sabotage my credibility by labeling me as unstable to his inner circle. For years, I was conditioned to accept this treatment, often wishing the kindness he performed for an audience would be directed toward me in private. Ultimately, the man the public adores is a performance, while the demeaning and malicious behavior I experienced was the private truth.
The Truth Hurts, But It’s a Gift to Yourself
Walking away from a decades-long relationship wasn’t just an ending; it was the beginning of a long, winding road to self-discovery. It’s a journey that takes time, and you must go through it for yourself. The first step is learning from how you were treated and accepting the painful truth: you have no control over how someone chooses to treat you.
If my story sounds familiar, know that you are not alone. I’m focusing on what I had to learn and I am still trying to learn from my own experiences. After nearly four decades, the realization of how much I didn’t know was overwhelming. There were things I couldn’t unhear, so I finally made a conscious decision to shift my mindset and concentrate only on my own healing.
Here is what I learned:
1. He wanted to “fix” me and teach me love. He claimed he wanted to “fix” me for my past. His “fix” was worse than the original wound.
He positioned himself as my savior, the one who would heal the damage from a tortured childhood and teach me what real love was. But his “fix” was not healing; it was a blueprint for control. The emotional, mental, and verbal abuse he subjected me to didn’t mend my past—it became a new, more profound source of trauma.
The man who promised to be “my person” became my primary tormentor. I learned a horrific truth: the prison he built was far worse than the childhood I had survived. What he called love was, in reality, a calculated system of abuse where each day was a struggle to survive him.
2. The patterns don’t lie; trust them.
The patterns are consistent and reliable. If you have noticed a small issue, please be aware that it will likely escalate over time. Much like a cell that grows out of control, these situations can reach a point where they become sudden, significant, and irreversible.
Sideline: Do you see a pattern with your person? Trust that pattern. It won’t go away. That is who they are.
3. Actions (and inactions) reveal the truth.
- Were promises consistently broken?
- Did you experience MANY excuses and then you were the blame for everything that went wrong? (That is called disrespect in more ways than one.
- Were you forgotten for date nights, birthdays, or special achievements?
- When you reached out, were you treated like an intrusion because they were “busy”? (Meanwhile, during his long affair, my ex found time for 150+ texts, videos, and calls per day.)
- Did they make you feel unworthy, like you didn’t even deserve the crumbs of their attention?
These aren’t minor oversights. They are deliberate choices that show where YOU stand.
4. Believe them when they show you who they are.
He always said, “I don’t believe in soulmates.” Imagine the love of your life telling you you’re not his soulmate. I believe him now, because of how he treated me. Narcissists aren’t soulmates; they are predators in disguise. Recognizing this is essential for your healing.
Sideline: Did their excuses always turn into blame-shifting and yelling? Did your needs get dismissed with a “Go find something to do…”?
The Final Realization: You Didn’t Lose Love; You Escaped a Nightmare.
The person you fell in love with, the one who inspired all those wonderful feelings – was a carefully constructed illusion. The person you encountered at the end is their true self. You were the one who made them look special. Their genuine nature was concealed behind a mask of charm and manipulation, drawing you in with false promises and hollow emotions.
Beneath it all, they were feeding on your emotional energy, undermining your self-esteem, and dissolving your identity.
- Their gaslighting and criticism were not love; they were tactics for control.
- Their infidelity and deceit were not mistakes; they were intentional acts of exploitation. They made a choice and it was NOT a mistake.
A Message to You:
You didn’t lose a loved one. You escaped a toxic nightmare that was draining your life force. You broke free from a cycle of abuse, and that requires immense courage and strength.
To heal, you must embrace the liberating, painful truth: you weren’t loved; you were exploited. You were a source of supply, a means to an end.
Now, you have the profound opportunity to rediscover yourself. You get to embrace authentic love and build a life filled with purpose, joy, and authenticity.
Remember:
- You deserve real love, meaningful connections, and healthy relationships.
- You deserve to be seen, heard, and understood.
- You deserve to be valued, respected, and appreciated—never settle for anything less.
You are worthy of love. It will find you when you least expect it, but first, it must find you within yourself.